What to do?

What are you supposed to do when you are completely smitten but you are not supposed to be?
What should you do if he is everything you hope and expect for but you don’t know for sure?
Why does it feel like I am suffocating when just a single hour passes by without speaking to him?
Why is it that my mind and my heart are in conflict and confusion, making me want to pass out?
How can he disturb my peace so much when I have only known him a month
When will he make this stop?
Will he hurt me?
or
Will he love me?

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Fooled

Failing to realize every time, that you are all you have is a mistake we all make. Every person you meet cares for themselves more than they care for you. The only people that care for you at some point may be your parents, but even them I fear cares about themselves more than they do about you.

It is times like this that I fail and where my heart breaks. If we learn to love each other and look to think that if I feel hurt by what you do to me, I should at least initiate change from within and treat others differently. Yet that is not the case I guess when it comes to the point where you are put on the spot to treat another differently.

Every time I trust someone to be kind to me, or like me the way I think I like them, I give them the power to treat me the way I want them to treat me. Get it? But I guess I give them the power to mis-treat me is more like the case. Don’t they get? I guess the only living person that ever loved me or liked an ounce of me was my most loved kitty ‘Mehendi’. But she passed away last year and it was the worst feeling on this planet. I guess being lonely is my thing, and I don’t expect it to change anytime soon.

 

#Happy2017

2016 has definitely been one of the most weirdest year. Started the year with amazing experiences and cherished memories but ending it on the most emotionally stressful and weirdest note.

I have managed to stick it out in one job role for over an year now and I think that is one of the biggest achievements in terms of my career. However personally in terms of relationships I have still more work to do. This year has made me realize to not trust people so easily as I do ( building more on the trust issues I already have with past relations with so called friends). People are never what they seem, and I do not know why I keep learning this lessons ever so often.

This year has taught me that people are pretentious and will use you only for their benefit. If you play the cards right you too can make something out of this. My work place surrounds around working with people who claim to be God fearing (yes now I am being completely judgmental) who lack any sort of professionalism at all levels, but only that which they think are professional. Lots of unfair decisions that made my blood boil and my skin crawl, when it was put in the whole ‘It’s God Plan’ but merely just human decisions.

But I saw through all this with God’s grace and He was kind enough to give me His peace. Stepping into 2017 I have a few resolutions which I intend to keep hopefully.

Resolutions for the New Year:

  1. Talk to God more
  2. Live – I have always thought and waited for someone to come through (a friend / significant other/ family) but they never do. This year I am going to live it for me, travel a bit on my own and do things alone, travel a bit may be.
  3. Stop Apologizing – One of the first things my most loved bosses said to me was to Stop Apologizing. I realized that I was being apologetic for who I am. So this New Year I am going to stop apologizing for being me and what I have to say even if its rude. Sometimes it may come off as being bossy but hey you can’t be Beyonce if you ain’t bossy!
  4. Not be afraid – I have always been afraid of hurting people or getting hurt. This last year so many hurt me emotionally and mentally to a point where not I am just a broken person with trust issues. And I have always been afraid to do things thinking that people will think bad of me. However this year I am going to be a bit more selfish than usual and not be afraid to do things my way. This doesn’t mean that I will intentionally hurt others. But I will put my emotions over others when it comes and do what’s right by me.
  5. Fight and not give up – Fight for what is rightly yours.
  6. Travel more
  7. Read and write more
  8. Sing more

 

BIG MISTAKE!

Despite having considered His voice and His plan I feel like, I have made the biggest mistake of my life!

It is now that I am adapting to work life and despite labeling the work place to have some form of christian orientation, it does not reflect on the cut throat nature of the staff that works in it! I guess we all have to survive, and in the process I see myself being dragged into pity politics and forced to comply with internal politics which I don’t want to. It just upsets further that I have let gone of two good positions in better oriented NGO’s for better pay and better working politics and exposure to this crappy job with good exposure (which is now questionable as I have the least supportive Manager) and horrible pay.

I honestly look to God at this time, and try to surround myself with His word. But I just feel like its all a mess.