What to do?

What are you supposed to do when you are completely smitten but you are not supposed to be?
What should you do if he is everything you hope and expect for but you don’t know for sure?
Why does it feel like I am suffocating when just a single hour passes by without speaking to him?
Why is it that my mind and my heart are in conflict and confusion, making me want to pass out?
How can he disturb my peace so much when I have only known him a month
When will he make this stop?
Will he hurt me?
or
Will he love me?

Be my Valentine

When I am broken I find you

When I am lost and searching

When my world falls apart

No one loves me as much as you

A Father to the fatherless

A friend to the lonely

My shield and hiding place

My refuge

When my pain is too real

When I have no one to turn to

I find you right in my heart

Be my valentine!

Fooled

Failing to realize every time, that you are all you have is a mistake we all make. Every person you meet cares for themselves more than they care for you. The only people that care for you at some point in life may be your parents, but even them, I fear cares about themselves more than they do about you.

It is times like this that I fail and where my heart breaks. If we learn to love each other and look to think that if I feel hurt by what you do to me, I should at least initiate change from within and treat others differently. Yet that is not the case I guess when it comes to the point where you are put on the spot to treat another differently.

Every time I trust someone to be kind to me, or like me the way I think I like them, I give them the power to treat me the way I want them to treat me. Get it? But I guess I give them the power to mis-treat me is more like the case. I guess the only living person that ever loved me or liked an ounce of me was my most loved kitty ‘Mehendi’. But she passed away last year and it was the worst feeling on this planet. I guess being lonely is my thing, and I don’t expect it to change anytime soon.

 

Feelings

My heart is torn apart

To the point of No Return

These feelings I created

How can I blame you?

I never told you

Didn’t even try.

 

My heart is shattered

You.

Love another.

 

As always

I will get over

Although this time

It might be difficult

#Happy2017

2016 has definitely been one of the most weirdest year. Started the year with amazing experiences and cherished memories but ending it on the most emotionally stressful and weirdest note.

I have managed to stick it out in one job role for over an year now and I think that is one of the biggest achievements in terms of my career. However personally in terms of relationships I have still more work to do. This year has made me realize to not trust people so easily as I do ( building more on the trust issues I already have with past relations with so called friends). People are never what they seem, and I do not know why I keep learning this lessons ever so often.

This year has taught me that people are pretentious and will use you only for their benefit. If you play the cards right you too can make something out of this. My work place surrounds around working with people who claim to be God fearing (yes now I am being completely judgmental) who lack any sort of professionalism at all levels, but only that which they think are professional. Lots of unfair decisions that made my blood boil and my skin crawl, when it was put in the whole ‘It’s God Plan’ but merely just human decisions.

But I saw through all this with God’s grace and He was kind enough to give me His peace. Stepping into 2017 I have a few resolutions which I intend to keep hopefully.

Resolutions for the New Year:

1. Talk to God more
2. Live – I have always thought and waited for someone to come through (a friend / significant other/ family) but they never do. This year I am going to live it for me, travel a bit on my own and do things alone, travel a bit may be.
3. Stop Apologizing – One of the first things my most loved bosses said to me was to Stop Apologizing. I realized that I was being apologetic for who I am. So this New Year I am going to stop apologizing for being me and what I have to say even if its rude. Sometimes it may come off as being bossy but hey you can’t be Beyonce if you ain’t bossy!
4. Not be afraid – I have always been afraid of hurting people or getting hurt. This last year so many hurt me emotionally and mentally to a point where I am just a broken person with trust issues. And I have always been afraid to do things thinking that people will think bad of me. However this year I am going to be a bit more selfish than usual and not be afraid to do things my way. This doesn’t mean that I will intentionally hurt others. But I will put my emotions over others when it comes and do what’s right by me.
5. Fight and not give up – Fight for what is rightly yours.
6. Travel more
7. Read and write more
8. Sing more

 

This is the real World!

Systems and boxes do not conform

But in the real world

Survival means conforming to the norm

Think out of the box

But why put us in the box?

Cussed ways are all they know

This is the real world!

BIG MISTAKE!

Despite having considered His voice and His plan I feel like, I have made the biggest mistake of my life!

It is now that I am adapting to work life and despite labeling the work place to have some form of christian orientation, it does not reflect on the cut throat nature of the staff that works in it! I guess we all have to survive, and in the process I see myself being dragged into pity politics and forced to comply with internal politics which I don’t want to. It just upsets further that I have let gone of two good positions in better oriented NGO’s for better pay and better working politics and exposure to this crappy job with good exposure (which is now questionable as I have the least supportive Manager) and horrible pay.

I honestly look to God at this time, and try to surround myself with His word. But I just feel like its all a mess.

Proposal

Ok.. So I am all up for arranged marriages but this one was such a blow to my self esteem. So I know how people say oh looks don’t matter when you get married and blah blah blah.. But I think it sure does when it comes to first impressions and attraction overall. Looks of course depend on your perspective however that being said my man who ever it may be needs to be at least a 8 on a scale of 1 – 10 based on international standards.

Waking up to prospects of a marriage proposal ain’t fun. Especially when you have not even had breakfast and just woken up on Saturday. My mother had met with some Aunty down our lane who had mentioned the prospects of a proposal to this good Anglican boy (WTH just coz I am Anglican I obviously get matched with an Anglican and a good boy like what the hell is that?) who is engaged in such a job and yada yada yada.. I will refrain from mentioning his job prospects just so that I don’t sound snobbish.

Marriage is a cover a protection for a girl and not something that she has to have. It should be something that enhances her life prospects and wellbeing overall and not drag her down. These aunties I tell you.. honestly.. just because your single doesn’t mean that we are dying to get married to every Tom Dick and Harry. Plus I mean I am going to sound like a snob when I say this but given that I am already someone who has a very low self esteem with regard to my appearance and size lo and behold when I saw his Facebook profile my heart shattered. He did not look at all like my type.. Like it was soo bad.. And I know I was asked by one of my friends to not call people ugly but he looked like soooooooooo bad. Like I don’t know.. God created everything so well but this was just not my type of creation ok.

I felt so bad for being paired with or some actually thought of someone like that as a good partner for me. Like may be now to think of it I am not at all up for this arranged marriage shit.. Like may be I want to choose who it’s going to be like a good hunky type with some form of intellectual profession on his resume. Yes I sound like a real snob for saying all of the above..but this is the rest of my life we are talking about may be I should have a say and be absolutely blunt and brutally honest. Someone who compliments me and not someone who drags you down.

Lesson of the day ensure you have good selfies if your single and your parents are arranging your marriage.. I might be checking your profile out..

God is Good…Always

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

It is everyday, that I have to keep reminding myself that life is not perfect. Things have not looked as worse as it does now, however I have gone through worse circumstances. These I think God sent my way to prepare me for what lies ahead. Things have been great thus far, but storms are brewing and rough seas are ahead.

Maybe it’s His way of reminding me that things happen not in my time but in His time, always. Situations have pushed me to where I am here today, and it feels just right in my heart. But why do I still feel like I need to push things on, and this just feels like I am moving from God’s plan for me. Right now things feel quite lost as I try to understand the right track for me. Yes life is full of choices, and whichever one we make may it be right or wrong, we will always be brought back to where He wants us to be at.  

Why do I feel like He has also stopped speaking to me. Maybe it is so that I am not listening. Things are constantly messing up creating a bigger and deeper mess as things move forward. I don’t know what he is preparing me for, but I bet it’s something Good. In amidst all this chaos, I somehow managed to spare some time to watch the movie ‘Miracles from Heaven’. It was definitely a brilliant movie reminding us that God never forsakes us during our struggles, although we fall on our own understanding. However big or small our pain and struggle is He brings us a miracle. 

It was definitely a timely reminder that He hears every single prayer we say, and he will never forsake us although our feet wonders far away from the path designed for us. However small or big our problem is, He hears us.  

Pain in the butt!!

Everyday is like a wake up call… LIFE IS NOT PERFECT! However much you try to lead it according to morals and to your religious views or whatever you encounter an ass-hole or two, and there goes all your morals and peace all down the drain.

It took soo much patience today to not punch this asshole in the face. Ironically HR is ‘the’ place you encounter ass holes as much as their job is to not be ass holes to people. No wonder people have unions and protest in organisations.. All because of a bloody useless unit.

The workplace which I sadly like most of you spend hours on end, is a so called religious organisations.. which harbours self righteous ass holes.. of which may be just may be I could too be categorized as an ass hole on someone else’s definitions. And may be writing this post is my ass hole move 😛

We work by choice, I am here by choice.. and we sign a new piece of paper which extends our choice on their terms still by choice. Thus by all means given that they failed to give it on time.. only because I am of junior caliber.. is indeed outrageous because of the type of work the organisation itself engages in. So givem the months delay.. i further delayed (only a week which will end tomorrow) on my part in making the choice as it was important to me to consult my superior before hand. Storming into the floor this ass hole (who after receiving a promotion walks about a foot above the ground and couldn’t wait another three more days) threw this piece of paper at me claiming that he could no longer keep it with him. What?

1) If at all someone should be breaking hell and making a scene it should have been as I have been deprived of a promotional salary for two months now.
2) He is not my boss to treat me like crap. Honestly I have had my fair share of nightmare bosses and no one treated me like this. I would expect work related superiors to treat me like this not someone who is supposed to be your focal for all work related condolences
3) Is this the type of learning to display at an organisation claiming to be motivated by religious learnings
4) I guess when you do not pertain prior qualifications or prior experience and get too accustomed to the ways of a single organisation this is what materialises. Your personality reflects on the piece of shit hole you are!

It took soo much of patience honestly to not scream and throw something and also given that I was on an important call provided him a better chance. But seriously.. DIE!